Still Doing It Alone After Decades of Marriage

Annie Lane
Mon, 13 Apr 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Annie: I have been married for 45 years, and the silence in my marriage feels deafening. It did not happen overnight. It built slowly over the years, like a snowball rolling downhill, growing larger and heavier until it now seems to fill every corner of our home.

I always believed I was being a good wife and partner. I raised our children, kept the books, did the laundry, cooked the meals, handled the shopping, managed the house, worked full time for many years and then part time, and carried most of the invisible load that keeps a family running. My husband worked full time and helped occasionally with mowing our four acres, but most of the daily responsibilities fell to me.

I kept taking on more, hoping for a little appreciation or even a simple "thank you." It never came. When I asked for help, my words seemed to disappear into thin air. When he retired at 65, I thought perhaps things would finally feel more balanced, but when I suggested he take on a few chores, he said, "When do I get to retire?" I answered, "When do I?"
Updated: Tue Apr 14, 2026

Dear Annie: I have been married for 45 years, and the silence in my marriage feels deafening. It did not happen overnight. It built slowly over the years, like a snowball rolling downhill, growing larger and heavier until it now seems to fill every corner of our home.

I always believed I was being a good wife and partner. I raised our children, kept the books, did the laundry, cooked the meals, handled the shopping, managed the house, worked full time for many years and then part time, and carried most of the invisible load that keeps a family running. My husband worked full time and helped occasionally with mowing our four acres, but most of the daily responsibilities fell to me.

I kept taking on more, hoping for a little appreciation or even a simple "thank you." It never came. When I asked for help, my words seemed to disappear into thin air. When he retired at 65, I thought perhaps things would finally feel more balanced, but when I suggested he take on a few chores, he said, "When do I get to retire?" I answered, "When do I?"

Now he is nearly 79 and talking about finding a job because being a partner at home feels like too much work. He can spend hours on his iPad researching mower parts or buying lottery tickets, but in 46 years he has never once made a dinner reservation for us.

Is this just the way some long marriages become, or is this emotional neglect? How do you live with someone who seems so comfortable being cared for, yet so unwilling to truly care back? — Still Waiting

Dear Waiting: What you are describing is not just a bad habit. It is a long, aching imbalance. A husband who can spend hours hunting for mower parts can manage to make a dinner reservation. This is less about ability and more about willingness. It may feel easier to excuse it as forgetfulness or routine, but patterns like this tend to deepen when they go unchallenged.

Talk to him plainly, not in passing and not in anger. Tell him exactly what you need and what must change. Be specific, and give examples so there is no room for misunderstanding. Then step back and see whether his actions finally match his promises. Words can be comforting, but consistency is what rebuilds trust.

After 45 years, you should not have to beg for basic partnership. Love is not proven by being waited on. It is shown by showing up. And if he truly values the life you've built together, he will recognize that showing up now matters more than ever.