When a Wedding Invite Asks Too Much

Annie Lane
Fri, 10 Apr 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Annie: My husband and I are invited to my co-worker's daughter's midweek black-tie wedding at 3 p.m. My husband and I would need to leave work early to attend, and I feel it's a burden to both take time off work and purchase or rent black-tie attire for a warm weather event in the summer.

Is it acceptable to decline the invite and just send a nice gift? The couple getting married have been living together for a year, although I congratulate them for making vows to each other. I wish the couple was more understanding of the possible financial burden to their guests.

Your advice is much appreciated. Thank you. — Formally Frustrated
Updated: Sat Apr 11, 2026

Dear Annie: My husband and I are invited to my co-worker's daughter's midweek black-tie wedding at 3 p.m. My husband and I would need to leave work early to attend, and I feel it's a burden to both take time off work and purchase or rent black-tie attire for a warm weather event in the summer.

Is it acceptable to decline the invite and just send a nice gift? The couple getting married have been living together for a year, although I congratulate them for making vows to each other. I wish the couple was more understanding of the possible financial burden to their guests.

Your advice is much appreciated. Thank you. — Formally Frustrated

Dear Formally Frustrated: An invitation is just that; it's an offer, not a summons. Couples plan weddings that suit their vision, and guests decide what suits their circumstances. No offense needs to be taken on either side.

If attending means leaving work early and investing in black-tie attire you're unlikely to wear again, it's perfectly acceptable to decline with a warm note and a gift. Wish them a beautiful day, send your congratulations and rest easy.

Good manners are always in season — even when black tie isn't.

Dear Annie: I left home (the state I grew up in) 14 years ago and swore I wouldn't come back. To put it lightly, my family has a very different mindset. Through therapy, I've learned just how different we are and that it was healthier for my sanity to stay away.

But my husband, after speaking with them (they can be very charming on the phone), wanted to get to know them. My mother was ill, so he and my family convinced me to come back to take care of her.

It hasn't been all bad, but it has become a huge financial, and at times physical and emotional, burden — not because of my mother, but because of everyone else. I have my own home in the state I chose to make home, and between my sisters arguing over who gets control of my parents' nonexistent finances and worrying about my stepdad if his blood sugar takes a turn, it's almost unbearable. They even went so far as to list my house behind my back, hoping they could get a good offer and I would be stuck here.

My question is: How do I make a polite exit from this nightmare without hurting my mom and making her feel abandoned? I'm so tired of the nonsense and just can't deal with my sisters or my stepfather anymore. My husband and I are paying for everything and getting no respect. I feel close to a blowup, and I'm craving the solitude of my home.

Please help me. I want to go home. — Homesick and Overwhelmed

Dear Homesick and Overwhelmed: You came back to a painful situation out of love, and that speaks very well of you. But love for your mother doesn't require sacrificing your peace, your finances or your home indefinitely.

Your responsibility was always meant to be her well-being, not refereeing your sisters' arguments, caregiving for your stepfather or carrying the entire family's burdens. If your mother needs care, help arrange a sustainable plan — shared responsibilities among family who live nearby or outside help from health services — before you leave.

Then speak honestly and kindly. Tell your mother that you love her and that returning when she was ill was the right thing to do, but you and your husband need to go back to the life you built. Reassure her that leaving doesn't mean abandoning her.

You did the loving thing by coming when she needed you. Now it's OK to do the healthy thing and go home.